Houston

So, I just got back from a weekend in Houston. I have always heard about the drivers there, and have even been there a few times, but after this past weekend, I firmly believe that Houston has the worst drivers ever. And if you don't agree, I will come to your house and cut you.

Case in point: we were driving along, minding our own business, when we decide that we need to change lanes. We are halfway in the new lane, when this jackass* decides that he needs to be in that lane right then. He puts on his blinker, which at this point is 2 inches from my face (I am in the right rear seat) because he has already started moving into our lane. In the next 2 milliseconds, these thoughts ran through my mind:

-That is a nice blinker...its got good color to it.
-OH MY GOD I'M GONNA DIE!!!
-How ironic is it that my arch nemesis, a F*rd, is going to be the death of me.
-I wish I had a Reese's...they're damn good.

Luckily we were in a nice, nimble VW Jetta, with reflexes like a bolt of lightning, and were able to jump out of the way at the last microsecond. Of course, this guy felt that it was OUR fault that WE were in OUR lane when he wanted to join US, and he felt the need to honk and give us the one-fingered salute. You know which one I am talking about. Yeah, that one.

Moral of this story, don't drive in Houston, unless you own an Abrams M1 tank.

*No kidding. There was an actual donkey driving in Houston. I had always thought it was a myth, but hey, even Democrats can get their drivers license.

Reese's are the Spice of Life

I went to the store the other day and could very easily have been killed.

Me and Justin went to Kroger to get some milk and stuff to make breakfast. While we were checking out, this black guy comes up to us and shakes our hands like we're old buds and calling us "playas" and the like. I didn't know the guy from adam and I figured Justin didn't either, so I pegged him for a crack head. When we get outside he starts tellin' us all how he was on his way back to Houston and how he used to live here and how he has a wife and a kid in college and he went to SFA and a bunch of other stuff I didn't really care to know. While he was talking Brigitte called, so I pulled out my phone and he musta thought I was gonna call the cops cause he said "Hey man don't call the cops on me. I'm harmless." and I go "I'm not, I've got a call." So I walk a little bit away to talk on the phone, and he and Justin are talking. When I walk back I hear Justin say "I'm with him (and he points at me right here), so its up to him." Well, I am wondering exactly what is up to me and why I am getting psuedo-volunteered for stuff that I have no clue what it is (that sentence makes little sense to me, but oh well). So the guy (I forgot his name about 5 seconds after he said it) goes, "Would you fine guys be able to give me a ride to my truck. Its over on Main." (At this point we are no longer playas, but fine guys.) I'm hesitant, cause I really don't feel comfortable picking up strangers at night and taking them to places where I could very easily be shot and/or raped. After this guy goes on for about 5 more minutes, I figure, hell, Justins with me, he's big guy, we'll be alright. So I say yeah, we'll give him a ride. We go over to my truck, and I get inside while they go over to the passenger side. At about this time I remember that I have both of my hunting knives in the back pockets of the front seats...right in easy reach of anyone in the backseat. So I ever so politely say hold on, let me move the seat up for ya, all the while grabbing one of the knives (which just so happened to be the bigger one) and bring it up to the front with me. The other one is still back there, but I was really hoping that it blended in well enough and that the guy was on enough crack to not notice it. So everyone gets in, and we head towards Main (aka Hwy 21...), but before we can get there, the guy tells me to make a right "right here"...not on Main, but on a crappy road that takes you (and in this case me, Justin, and the crazy crack-head) to the extremely crappy side of town. At this point I am wondering just how we are going to die and how many druggies I can take with me. We go for a while, till we come to a stop sign at the top of a hill, and the guy tells me to stop. I, being extremely ready to get rid of him at this point, stop, and notice a car coming up behind me. So I say hold on, let me get out of the way, and pull around the corner. So does the car. A very tense few seconds, which feel like weeks, pass, and the car slowly goes around us. Me and Justin breath a very loud sigh of relief, cause we are still alive. Then another car pulls up behind us and stops. Now, Crazy Crack Head is still in the backseat, saying something about money for some gas. I just want the guy out and gone, so I throw 5 bucks at him, and ever so politely ask him to leave. He says something about getting my number so he can pay me back, which I think is the worst idea I had ever heard before in my life. I finally convince the guy that he in fact does not need my number, nor is he going to get it without killing me. (I didn't say that, though, for fear that he might actually try.) So he gets out, says goodbye, and walks to the nearest house to tell his friends that a couple of idiots are outside in a truck just waiting to die. Me and Justin get out of there faster than the French during Hitler's invasion of France, just as 20 guys come out of the house shooting at us. I'm guessing they were all high, cause none of the bullets hit us, and we survived to eat breakfast*.

So, the moral of the story is, always turn in your homework on time, or bad people will try to do bad things to you while you buy food to make breakfast at night. Oh, and Reese's kick ass.

*No one really came out of the house and shot at us, it just sounds better.

Misguided

"For God so loved the world, as to give his only begotten Son; that whosoever believeth in him, may not perish, but may have life everlasting..."

Its amazing how people can see those words, quote them, and then say that God hates certain people. But it happens. Shirley Phelps-Roper and her Westboro Baptist Church (WBC) do just that. They say that God hates homosexuals, Jews, Catholics, soldiers, and Americans in general. For one, the idea that God could hate is mindnumbing. God IS love. Yet these people go to funerals of soldiers and stand there with signs saying that God hates them, that they will burn in hell.

Roper says that she doesn't judge people (when someone said that it isn't our right to judge a persons soul), but then in the next paragraph that the soldiers' souls are going to burn in hell. But that by no means makes her hypocritical at all, whatsoever (note the sarcasm I used there).

Her father, who founded the WBC (which, by the way, is not affiliated with any other Baptist church), is a self proclaimed antisemite, yet he claims to be spreading the word of Jesus Christ, who was, in fact, a Jew. Now that just confuses me. Thats like saying "I hate God, but here, read the bible."

For being a lawyer, she has extremely poor arguing skills. During a good argument, you should allow the other side to completely express thier views, and then express your own. The only thing you accomplish by continuously interrupting the other person is to make yourself look like an idiot. But during two interviews, this is pretty much all she did (see here: inteviews). You would think in law school they would teach you how to argue, or at least how to not look like a fool.

There is a good outcome, however. When word got to the American Legion Riders chapter 136 from Kansas that this lady and her misguided followers were going around to soldier's funerals and protesting at them, they decided something needed to be done. When they learned that the WBC group was planning on protesting at an upcoming funeral, they contacted the soldier's family and the local police and got permission to come and stand between the protesters and the funeral. Later, the group the Patriot Guard Riders (Partiot Guard)was started and is now in many states across the nation. They go to funerals, showing their support of the soldiers and their families. Now they go to funeral that aren't on the protester's list just to show their support. Yeah, they're that cool.

But anyway, back to the topic. I just can't understand how anyone can be so misguided. To think that Jesus died to save a select few, the chosen, is a little messed up. To think that God hates people is really messed up. To spread hate, especially at a funeral, is extremely messed up. God works in mysterious ways, but satan's ways are just plain wrong, convincing people that they are doing God's work by hating the very people who died so that they can have freedom of speech. Hate the sin, not the sinner. All I can say is may God have mercy on their souls.

And to our fallen troops, may God give you rest, and be with your families.

Money Wasted, Money Earned

So we are coming back from spring break tomorrow, and that means that the UC, the place of my employment, opened today at 2 pm. And I, being the lucky bastard that I am, got to do the honor. So I have been sitting here for the past 6 1/2 hours, getting paid to surf the net and study for my physics test tomorrow (my professor doesn't believe in spring breaks and expected us all to study every day for the damn thing; yeah, like that was gonna happen), and I came to the conclusion that the government loves to waste money. They could have saved some money by not opening the UC today (we had 3 people stop by, and one of them worked here). The energy bill would have been less, they wouldn't have had to pay us, and I wouldn't have been so bored that I Googled "the history of cardboard." Turns out it was invented in 1856 and first used in men's hats.* Weird ain't it? I mean, cardboard hats? How cheap can you get? Thats like making a hat out of newspaper and selling it. Sad thing is, I've seen that done. East Texans are weird and backwoodsy. And they will by anything that looks "classy." I could sell a pile of dog...hair....if I said it was a mink-lab mix. Anyways, my point is, why make me come to work when I could just as easily have gotten paid for sitting at home? I'll tell ya why. Cause the man is always looking for a way to get ya down. And we should all stick it to the man. So long as it doesn't get me fired. Cause I gotta eat too ya know.

*http://inventors.about.com/library/inventors/blpapermaking.htm#Corrugated Not that you are gonna check it out, but whatever.

Chairs

So I was flying along the other day and I looked down and saw this chair. It wasn't just any old chair. It was, quite possibly, the most fantastic chair ever. And that is quite an accomplishment, even in this day and age. It had a built in, full body massage, heat/cool settings, a built in fridge, oven, and keg, automatic door answerer, and mother-in-law get-rid-of-er (it gets rid of unwanted mother-in-laws). It was a wonderful day.

Have you ever had one of those days where you just really don't know how to percieve most of the things that happened? Well, I did the other day. I saw an elephant juggling china plates while standing on its head, and I could not figure out how the hell he kept his shirt from falling over his head. It was amazing!! That elephant was really talented. I mean, keeping your shirt down is one of the hardest things to do while standing on your head. Then he told me he wasn't really upside-down, that it was just an inversed image of him. That made me angry. So I shot him. Now he sits on the corner of Austin and North and begs for money. Lazy ass.

But seriously, it has become increasingly harder to know how to take things. If you take something the wrong way, then that could really ruin a lot. Take the cartoons of Mohammad. That has really caused quite a bit of conflict. Over what, a few lousy drawings? I mean, you shouldn't make fun of what people believe, but a few drawings that piss you off doesn't justify killing people. I guess I really don't agree with either side of the issue. Don't print stuff that you know is gonna make people mad, and don't kill people over cartoons. Unfortunately, other people see things differently.

Of course, most of the decisions I make based off what I percieve aren't gonna result in anyone dying. Hopefully. If it does, well, then that'll suck I guess.

A Day in the Life of Me

This is a typical day in the life of me:
4:00 a.m.----------------Wake up and do 10,000 push-ups and sit ups.
4:01 a.m.----------------Run 10 miles.
4:02 a.m.----------------Eat 4 dozen eggs, 10 waffles, and 5 pounds of bacon.
4:03-12:00 p.m.---------Save the world till class, then just in between classes.
12:01 p.m.---------------Eat 20 steaks, 10 potatoes, and 8 loafs of bread with jelly.
12:02 p.m.-5:00 a.m.----Save the world and finish my homework; work on Mondays, Thursdays, and some weekends.
5:01 a.m.----------------Go back in time to 3:00 a.m. and get an hour of sleep...then do it all again.

Now all of you know why I don't have time to do anything else. Of course, some of you are saying to yourselves, "self, you see Eric on occasion. How is that possible with his busy schedule?!" Well, you see, I have a twin brother. His name is Jacob. Actually hes not a twin. When I was 10 I decided to split myself in half so that I could be in 2 places at once. Turns out that I can regenerate lost body parts and now there are 2 of me. Whoda thunk it?

So yesterday I met up with Chuck Norris. We hung out for a while, save the world a few dozen times, shot some pool (we played pool with boulders cause we can), then drank the national supply of beer. Ol' Chuck can really hold his beer. Plus he has an awesome beer bong that holds thirty 30-packs of beer. Yesterday was an ok day. Today wasn't too bad either. No hang over or nothin'. I'm good like that.



DISCLAIMER:
You, (insert your name here), in no way endorse this story as being false. Anything and everything has the ability to be true and who are you to say otherwise. So quit being jelous of me and Chuck. Before you get roundhouse-kicked back to 1976. Yeah.

The World and Why It Hates You

Do you ever feel like the world doesn't care about you at all? Well, thats because it doesn't. The world is a cold, heartless bitch that has an extremely hot core at its, well, core. But don't let that warm (and by warm I mean burn you in less time than it takes to burn if it was just a little less hot) core fool you. The world is out to get you. Its sole goal is to make your life as miserable as it can in as many ways as it can. It'll chew you up and spit you out, squash you like a bug, chew you up again, crap you out, feed it to its dog, and then burn you just for the pure joy of it. And that is when it is indiferent. When it really hates you, like it probably does, well, I can't describe what it would do. Its that bad. You know that 400 lb. smelly guy a few cubicles down who never takes a shower or washes his clothes? You would rather get anally raped by him every hour on the hour than be on the world's bad side. It really doesn't matter though, cause while you are getting raped by Smelly No McShowerson over there (and liking it, which is just wrong, you sick freak), the world is getting pissed off at you for stepping on its favorite little stink bug.* You asshole. What did that bug do to you?! Not a damn thing, thats what. It was just walking along, minding its own smelly little business, when you came along, saw it, and smashed him into oblivion. What about his wife and kids? Bet you didn't even think about them, did ya?! Now Shelly is selling her body on the street trying to make enough to feed her 10,038 kids. Half of them aren't going to make it.** Good going you heartless bastard. Now you know why the world hates your freaking guts and hopes you could die a thousand deaths. Hope your happy.


*Little known fact: the world LOVES stink bugs. Science can't explain it, but its true. ^*Star flies over my head*^ The More You Know
**Half of them wouldn't have made it anyway, but your still an asshole.