Soul

So I sold my soul to the devil today, but I think I got cheated. Yeah, I know, the devil, cheat, whats up with that? I think I got a dirty sock and some kind of "superpower," the power to control women, or something like that. In my defense, I didn't really believe that he was the devil until the sock appeared as if out of thin air. Once that happened, I realized I should have asked for more, like 2 clean socks or something. But the woman controlling should be pretty cool. I haven't really used it yet, except on those incoming freshmen who kept bringing me food. This could turn out to be quite handy. I just need to keep myself from abusing the power and using it for evil and stuff...oh, who am I kidding, I am gonna abuse the hell out of it. I can see it now...

Me: Hey, wanna come over to my place?
Kelly: No, not really.
Me: Oh, I think you do.
Kelly: Not so much.
Me: ...Yes...yes you do.
Kelly: Nope, I'm pretty sure I don't.
Me: Damn devil, he said it would work on every female.
Kelly: Oh, well thats your problem, I'm not really a girl.
Me: ...(long pause) Heres my friend Sean's number, I think yall would really hit it off.
Her/him: Ok, thanks. I'll call him right away.
A few hours later...
Sean: Hey, thanks a bunch for hooking me up with Kelly, I really like her.
Me: ...Yeah, no prob. Glad to do it.

So it turns out that the devil didn't lie, it does work on women. Just not men pretending to be women. Or anyone I choose not to use it on. So, really, this makes for a good way to tell if it is trans or a sex-change shemale thing. But still, I wouldn't recomend doing business with the devil, mostly on account that he is evil and stuff, but also because he tends to cheat you a little. Shoulda asked for 2 clean socks...

Do you go to bed angry at someone? Did that guy who cut you off piss you off so bad you wish he was dead? Do you have an ex that just won't leave you alone? If so, call 484-DEAD and me and my associates will take care of your problem for a reasonable fee. The fee includes expenses, disposal, and a proven alibi. We do all the dirty work so you don't have to.*

Are you a beautiful young to middle aged woman? Have you ever gone to bed angry at your husband/boyfriend? Do you want to get back at him? If so, I have the perfect solution for you. Just send a recent photo of you and a short summary of your problem on a 3x5 card with your phone number, and I will get back to you and let you know if I will...I mean can help you get over the ungrateful bastard.

Do you enjoy tanning inside but hate the small, cramped tanning beds you must lay in? If so, stop wasting your time and money and call me, Eric, and I will let you tan on my couch in my living room under the bright 1000000000 candle power sun. It has all the benifits of tanning outside with all the comforts of being inside. If you pass the screening process, you will enjoy hours of tanning, free full body massages, and maybe even our "special" service, which would be described in person.

Well, thats about all the ads I have to run at this time, but there might be some more later on. Now, ladies, bring me some cookies and milk, it is time for my afternoon snack.

*This is not actually a hit service. DO NOT call that number. Death and destruction will follow if you call that number, most likey to you.** Trust me, you do not want to call that number.

**Actually, if you call that number, you will either a) not get an answer or b) get someone who is probably not gonna be very happy that you called them looking for a hit service.

Blah

So it rains in East Texas. Yeah, I know, it rains everywhere, but I mean it RAINS in East Texas. And I did not know this until I moved down here. And for the past few days, it has poured every day. Now, I don't know if that has something to do with all the hurricanes we've been having, but I do know that rain and hot weather make miserable-living-conditions-for-anyone-who-has-to- step-outside-for-a-second-and-is-instantly-soaking-in-their-own-sweat, also known as humidity. Even the buildings are sweating. Eggs are boiling as soon as they are laid. Dry ice is wet. And my boss wants me to go take some elevation shots, which means I would be outside in this crap for several hours. Yeah, like thats gonna happen.

So apparently there could possibly be an excuse for anyone who, say, is addicted to gambling, or drinking, or looking at porn, or cooking food, or dying. Some scientists have been studying stuff again and they have found that a chemical imbalance in your brain (yeah, I know, these days everything is a chemical imbalance) could be causing people to become compulsive gamblers and stuff. Apparently they gave some people with parkinson's some kind of medicine that tricks your body into thinking you have more of a certain chemical (called dopamine) than you do, which oddly enough makes you do crazy things, like become compulsive gamblers, which these people did. And they lost a lot of money. Now, they didn't give these people the drug to make them gamble, they did it to help them control their muscles, which it did. But there was that side affect, which turns out to be a pretty expensive one for some people. So yeah, it sucks for them.

It rained today. Now, I told that story to tell this story. I was in the CSC (Catholic Student Center) cleaning out an office which somehow was straight from the '70's, complete with a 7 inch computer monitor and a typewriter, when I heard it start to sprinkle. Then I remembered that I left my windows rolled down, so I went out to roll 'em back up. By the time I made it outside (which took about 5 seconds), I could no longer see my pickup because of all the rain. So I got soaked when I made a mad dash for the drivers side door. On my way back, I slipped on a banana peel (believe it or not) and fell face down in the mud. Then J-dogg came out tha do' an' started laughin and shit, so I grabbed my piece and shot that mo fo. Now I'm on da run and I need a place ta chill till the heats off yo...

So this creepy old guy walked up to me, opened his purse, and handed me some gum. The thing is, its sugar free and has a lot of big words I can't say on the wrapper, so I don't know if I should chew it or not. Plus, its not a low calorie food. But it does cleans and protects teeth if you chew it after eating, so thats a good thing. I guess the real problem is that I don't know if I'm ready to make the kind of commitment required to chew the gum. So what do yall think?

Life, or Something Unlike It

Life. It could very well be the greatest thing humans have achieved. And the thing is, we really had nothing to do with it. It was all God. But we still give ourselves credit for everything. And then theres the whole cloning thing. Its not enough that we can create people the old fashioned way. Ya know, meet someone, date for a while, get married, and then all the sudden kids start popping up from nowhere. But nope, thats not enough, now we hafta be able to make exact replicas of ourselves. Or even better, genetically alter DNA (which also spells DAN and AND) to make new and improved people. We can even decide on eye and hair color to create a perfect, beautiful person. Ok. So that takes all the fun out of life. If that happens, then pretty soon we will all look alike. Its Hitlers plan all over again, just more scientific. And maybe less killing. But that is made up for by abortion. Now yall can argue all day that its the woman's choice or that sometimes its the only way, and yes, sometimes it might be, but other than that it is still MURDER. Now I'm not saying that the people who have abortions are bad. A lot of them are scared teenage girls who don't know what else to do. Its the act thats bad, its the act that needs to be condemned. And it is not the woman's choice to decide the fate of another human being. Its the woman's choice to decide to have sex or not. After that, they should have to live with the consequences. If you don't like that, then you can shove it up your ass. If your not prepared to deal with the consequences, then you better think twice about your actions.

With all the crap that is going on in the world, you gotta wonder why God doesn't just destroy the world and be done with it. We've done a pretty good job of screwing it up ourselves, I wouldn't blame Him for finishing it for us. But then, He did give us free will so we can do what we want with our lives. I really don't understand why the middle easterners don't just stand up and say "enough, we are tired of all the suicide bombings killing our neighbors, our children, our parents."

So is it all worth it? Is going to school to get a degree that, in my opinion, probably won't mean shit in a few years anyway worth all the trouble? One of my friends decided at the end of last spring to quit school and do missionary work. That took guts. He had to decide to leave his family, his friends, and go help others, without asking for anything in return. I honestly don't know if I would be able to do that. Life's hard enough at 2o just taking care of yourself. Is life worth living if you are unwilling to take a risk and go after something you want or believe in? It really isn't. You gotta take chances, otherwise you will always be kicking yourself and wondering what if. What if I had followed my dream and became a vet? What if I had asked her out when I had the chance? What if I had skipped school that day? The what ifs are what get us. They can tear us apart on the inside, which affects who we are on the outside. Instead of wondering what if, I should take the chance, no matter what the consequence. I'll never know how it would have turned out if I don't. I'll never know the answer if I sit back, waiting for life to hand me the answer without ever having to ask the question. Lifes not like that. Most of us will have to take risks in order to have the life we want. I, personally, have to stop waiting for things to fall into place. We are responsible for setting things in motion. If we don't take charge of our own lives, how are we supposed to take care of others? So yeah, if you don't take chances, things slip by, and who knows if you will ever have that opportunity again.

Summer Fun

So summer's half way over, and a lot of yall are wondering what your gonna do for the rest of it. Some of you are taking summer classes at your local community college, some of yall went back home to hit on the high schoolers, some got jobs, and some are doing absolutely nothing and could be dead for all I know, as much as I hear from them. So to give me something to do, I have compiled a list of things you can do. And if I ever get off my ass, I might do a few of them too. Well here they are. Right here. After this quick message. Hell froze over. I'll see if I can get a pic on here. Alright, heres the list I promised.

1. Get a job you lazy bum. If you get a job, that will take up a good portion of your day and then you can buy alcohol with the money you make and mom and dad will think your responsible and will give you even more money with which you can buy more booze.

2. Give me money. Now, before you say anything, think about it. If you give me money, it will be like giving to charity. And giving to charity makes you feel good. And feeling good feels, well, good. If you don't give me money, you will have that over your head and on your heart for the rest of your life and will die lonely and alone and miserable and all that.

3. Float the river. Floating down the river is pretty fun, especially if you have a cooler full of beer with you. Its relaxing, your outside, which is supposed to be good for you, and you don't have to exert yourself. If you don't have a river within a reasonable distance, then float down the nearest open sewer washway. Trust me, its the same.

4. Visit friends you haven't seen since you got out of school for the summer. (No, thats not a hint Eloisa. Actually, yeah it kinda is. But I know you can't make it down here, so I won't hold it against you. Sean might though. He's kinda like that.) Rekindle old flames, renew friendships, or just get drunk together. I don't care, so long as I have fun. You can do whatever.

5. Ride elevators all day pretending to be the guy thats supposed to ride them all day. Even better, set up a table and some chairs and get a card game going in one. Or charge admission. Hmmm, thats not a bad idea. I gotta go. Church out.

Summer I (1(One(Uno)))

Well, Summer I session is officially over, the grades are posted, students are crying because they have to retake the class that they just retook, and students with passing grades are celebrating at the local Flashbacks. And it rained, which means the temperature is down to a reasonable 80 degrees and the humidity is up to 110% (I know what you are thinking, and yes, Flashbacks is a bar). Yep, its a good time to be a college kid.

Me and Mario (my roomate) were going to try to have a little "get together" tonight at our place, but unfortunately no one wanted to come. They were all like "I'm in the hospital" or "I'm in a play" or "I died." Not one of those is a valid excuse. So we will probably join the rest of the herd at Flashbacks and try to hook up with one of the few single women there. I don't know why single women don't like to go to bars. Its a great way to meet desperate guys...hold on, the hot chick next door just walked outside...ok, back. Where was I? Oh yeah, cheap beer. So all in all, I think Keystone is the best cheap beer, with The Beast and Lonestar being some of the worst. Of course, you just can't beat Shiner Bock, but thats not cheap beer. Shiner Blonde is pretty good too.

On a side note, I finally got my a/c fixed. I forgot how nice it is to be in a vehicle that is less than 100 degrees. Now my shirt doesn't stick to the back of my, well, back, and my sweat stains have shrunken drastically. Turns out that it isn't that hard to replace the compressor if you have the right parts. But getting the right parts is a bitch. Oh well, we all must live in hell at some point and time. I wonder what Satan's hell would be. I bet its a place we would all wanna be. With lots of puppies. And I Can't Believe It's Not Butter. Now thats the stuff.

So London got attacked today. That sucks. But, as my roomate put it (and yes Mario, you will remain nameless...ah shit, oh well), at least they didn't get Big Ben. But I bet it will change some peoples attitudes about the US deserving 9/11. But did you know that police in Great Britain don't carry guns? Its crazy. I mean, its no wonder people get away with stuff when a guy carrying a knife is better armed then the "elite" police force. Its all gun control. I can promise you that no one will do anything like that in Texas because, as far as the rest of the world knows, we all carry guns. That, and we ride horses everywhere so there really is no mass transportation, but thats beside the point. If the US ever got invaded, Texas would be the hardest region to take over. Because most of the population does have a gun. And its all because there is a republican in the white house instead of a dumbicrat. So you know what I say? I say bring it world. Bring all you got and at the end of the day, your gonna be going home with your tail between your legs. Well, I'm gonna go celebrate my birthday now, so yall have fun. Laters.