Rnadom Tohuhgts

Ever wonder why they call it an air conditioner? It doesn't really condition the air, it makes it cooler. Conditioning is more like making it better, which is what we should do to college classes. There are lots of things that would make them better, like free food. I'm all about free food. Especially since I started paying rent and stuff.

So I'm walking down the street the other day, actually, I wasn't walking, cause that takes too much work, but I was going down the street. Which is the only reason I appreciate Mr. Ford. Cause he did help jumpstart the automotive revolution. Other than that fords suck ass. I'm sorry, thats just the way it is. And I have every right to complain about them because my dad has owned more than one. They sucked. They are like Case tractors compared to John Deere's. This keyboard sucks too. The only real use of a ford is to give us guys that drive Chevy's and Dodge's something to do while driving down the road. I can't count the number of times I have had to stop and help someone because they were too cheap to buy a real vehicle and settled on a ford. If they would have just spent a little bit more they would have saved a lot more in the end. Dumbasses. I'm not saying that ford owners are dumbasses. Well, actually, I am. Yall are stupid. Theres no way around it. Don't buy a fuckin' ford.

So working where you get paid to sit around alot is pretty nice. Its also nice to be able to work at home. Cause then I can have good music blasting. Or a Free Cell game going. Actually, I can do both of those anywhere I work, but I can also do them at home. And I get free software that should cost a lot of money. For free.*

School starts tomorrow. At f*#@*%! 8 in the morning. At least I'm only taking 2 classes. Kind feel sorry for the idiots taking more than that. Not smart yall, not smart. That is a nice microwave. It would go great in my apartment. Be right back...

Alright, so where was I? Oh yeah, the floors kinda dirty. Someone should clean it. Its a good thing someone gets paid to do that otherwise I don't think it would get done. I'm sorry yall, but America is full of a bunch of lazy ass people. We have no ambition or whatever. If we don't get paid to do it, then it won't get done. So once I start getting paid, I will make sure all the floors are clean even if I have to pay someone to hold a mop to someone elses head. And by mop I mean gun. And by head I mean head. E=MC^2. Thats all there is to it. What more do you want from me? Well, I am now out of random thoughts so I guess I will get back to getting paid to sit here and look busy to no one in particular. Oh, and if you meet a random person who calls himself Zero, or Mr. Zero (no, not Zorro, if I meant Zorro, I would have said Ted), get to know him. Hes pretty cool and he brings you stuff he stole from Hawaii. And by stole I mean paid for. Laters.

*Free stuff is good.

Books

I read a book once.

So I finally moved into my new apartment. Actually I have been in the new apartment for about a week, but I have just now been able to say that I moved in on here because I still don't have internet. Its nice to live on your own. No curfews, you set your own rules, no curfews, you set your own rules...

I was recently told I was redundant and that I repeat things. I told that person that he was a dumbass. I don't repeat myself. And if I do, its to get a point across. Cause the best way to get a point across is to say the point as many times in one minute that you can. Or hold a gun to someones head. They seem to get the point rather quickly when you do that. I don't know why.

Alcohol and hottubs go great together. So do girls and hottubs, girls and alcohol, girls and guys, girls and me*, and pizza and beer.**

So I almost got bit by a rattlesnake the other day. Actually, its head didn't even come close to any part of my body, but it could have. I was riding my dad's four-wheeler when I came across the snake on the road. Those little bastards are tough. I had to sit there and grind its head into the ground for about ten minutes before it died. I also almost got shot. I was asleep when my dog woke me up at about 2 am. I got up to see what he was barking at and saw two coyotes in our back yard. So naturally I went to get a gun to shoot them, but I didn't want to turn on the light in the garage and scare them off, so I didn't. I'm in front of the gun cabinet trying to unlock the damn thing in the dark and aparently that woke my dad up. Now, his first thought was that someone was breaking in to the house so he grabs the gun he keeps in his closet (pretend I didn't tell you that) and goes to the garage. I am completely oblivious to this and am still trying to get the gun cabinet open. He finally figures out it was me and goes back to bed. I am still oblivious to the fact that he even got up, and I still can't get the damn door open. So I give up because I am lazy and the coyotes are probably gone at this point because of all the comotion I made. The next morning he tells me just how close I got to getting shot.

Dad: You got really close to getting shot last night.
Me: Really?
Dad: Yep.
Me: Thats cool.

So thats basically what my past two weeks have looked like. Its boring here in Nac, so if you get time, money, beer, or hookers, stop on by. Laters.
Carney Man

*Yes, I am a guy, I just thought I would throw that out there for all the single women.
**Pizza and beer sounds pretty good right now. Just thought I would let you know that too.

Organs and Other Fun Anatomical Things

As you sit at your desk reading this and picking your nose, your body is doing many things that you are not aware of. Your skin, for example, is shedding millions of cells. Those cells are going into the air, the very air that you breath. And there aren't just your skin cells in the air. There are skin cells from everyone. So right now, you are breathing in dead skin from that nasty guy who never showers 3 cubicles down. Or that one guy in gym who smells like dead fish before he even starts working out. Think about that next time you take a deep breath. Mmm, you can almost taste him.

Right now, your brain should be firing electical impulses*. Those impluses do everything from make your heart pump to relay what that guys skin tastes like. And your sitting in front of a machine that has 120 volts going through it at any given moment. All it would take is for you to spill your giant energy drink on your keyboard to fry your brain and other fun stuff. Look on the bright side. You may never taste or smell again.

The heart is a, well, heartless bitch. Sure, it supplies blood to your body and keeps you alive. But it also screws with your emotions and makes you do things you wouldn't normally wanna do. Like buy flowers that someone else picked. Which are way overpriced. If your a guy, it has probably gotten you into a fight or two. If your not a guy, you have probably screwed with a guys emotions and left him totally useless to his buddies for at least a week. Not cool yo, not cool. But the heart can also make you feel all warm and butterflyery inside. Until the girl who has been leading you on rips out said heart, throws it on the ground, pours gasoline on it, lets the gas soak in really good, lights it on fire, puts out the fire, puts your heart in a grinder with some ice and yogurt, blends it until it looks like a strawberry smoothie, then drinks her victims heart smoothie and procedes to trap another man once she is reenergized. Then the whole process is repeated until she gets tired of ripping out hearts and finds a man who will give her everything she wants because he is a "nice guy" and she figures she can have just as much fun playing with his emotions as she has with all the other guys. Damn, I need a girlfriend. Later yall.

*If your brain is not currently firing electronic pulses, please have someone call 911 for you as you will not be able to do so yourself. Actually, you won't even be able to have someone else do it for you. Hell, you wouldn't even be able to read this. So never mind. Carry on.

The History of the Leash

Leash: something that restrains.
The leash came about in the year 1 million BC when dinosaurs ruled the earth. The cave men didn't like the fact that they were not at the top of the food chain and were getting eaten on a daily basis by Mr. Rex and his family. So one day Mr. Ogg Ugg and Mr. Robert Lee Franklin (as you might have guessed, he was made fun of a lot growing up because of his strange name) decided to create something that they could use to restrain the large, carnivorous beasts. They found a long vine, tied a loop in it, and waited in a tree for Tyranny Rex to walk by. When he did, they threw the loop around his neck. Now, Ogg and Robert did not think the plan through very well. They were still holding the vine when Tyranny took off. And they didn't let go. And they were drug along for about a mile. And it hurt. But that is beside the point. The point is, on that fateful day, a device was created that would forever restrain dogs and men.

Dog: a. a male canine. b. a worthless person.
Man: a bipedal primate mammal. (see also Dog)
Ever since that time, man and dog have been restrained against their will. The dog cannot piss where it wants, sniff what it wants, or chase the females it considers attractive. The canine is restrained in many of the same ways, but it is allowed to piss where it wants, so long as the man-dog cleans it up.

Women have been using the leash ever since Ogg and Robert walked back to the cave with Tyranny following on the leash. Of course, both Ogg and Robert were reprimanded when Tyranny ate some of the cave kids, but that was to be expected. I mean, come on, you've got a 20 ton carnivorous animal living with a bunch of bipedal-cave-dwelling-spear-throwing-wall-drawing men on leashes. The cave women certainly weren't going to take poor ol' Tyranny any food. They were too busy congratulating themselves on successfully becoming in charge of the cave.

Anyway, that is the history of the leash. Guys, you can all thank Ogg and Robert for a lifetime of hell. Women, you can thank Ogg and Robert for devising a way for men to control the dogs you hate so much.

My Day

So apparently some of yall aren't happy with me because I don't write about what happens to me during the course of my day. I would say yall can go screw a nut onto a bolt, but instead I will, for this one time, write about my day, or days, or however far back I want to write about. Cause it is up to me. So here you go. Hope you enjoy it. Cause it will never happen again. Unless I get some good responses. So after this post the ball is in yalls court. Read.

So for the past few days I have been getting the Center ready for a banquet for a sorority to use. I have also been made to feel like shit several times; sometimes I deserved it, sometimes not. I have been thinking it over and I have come to the conclusion that the only way to keep from feeling like a pile of elephant crap is to never talk to a female of the human race again. Or her dad. Cause their dad's aren't any better. They are pretty good at making you feel like the lowest form of scum that can be found on eight day old cheese that has been left in yogurt for a month after being sneezed on by a sick 4 year old and left in a warm, moist place with soft music playing in the background. I have also decided to never joke about anything ever again because all it brings is pain and death and suffering and disease and famine and shittalitis* and many more bad things. Plus my words continuously get misconstrued, twisted around, and used against me time and again. So maybe it would be best if I just never talked again. Or ever left my room. Actually, I was told that if I drove my truck off a cliff the only reason people would be sad is because it would be a waste of a perfectly good truck. Which is true, it is a good truck, but I mean, come on, have a heart people, I would also have my CD's in there.

But anyway, that is my past few days. Hope yall are happy now. Cause I sure as hell ain't. I need a beer, but its too damn far away from here. Laters.

*This is when someone is made to feel like a pile of shit on a daily, sometimes hourly, basis. It sucks.

Bullshit

Now, I don't like writing about "what I did today" on here, but on this one I have to to get a point across. The other day I was in the Narnes and Boble Bookstore and saw a book with the title "Bullshit." This, of course, peaked my curiosity and so I pulled it down and started reading it. Which apparently you are not supposed to do unless you intend on buying it. Otherwise it is "wrong" and you can go to "jail" where you have to post "bail" and "then" "get" an "attorney"...(Sorry, I got a little carried away with the ""'s, it won't happen again.) But anyway, the point is, the book sucked. In fact, it was total bullshit. It was a book that was completely worthless and a waste of 3 perfectly good minutes that I could have spent sleeping. Which is what all bullshit is, a complete waste of time. So I say we should all stop putting up with it. We shouldn't have to, we should be able to live in a world where bullshit is non-existant, where it doesn't exist, and where it isn't around. Only then will I be truely happy. Oh, and so will everyone else. Which is what truely matters. The only way we can get rid of all bullshit is to do the following:

1. Get rid of all things that are completely useless, like Oprah.
2. Get rid of all politicians and their political crap.
3. Get rid of all unecessary "quotation" "marks".
4.5. Use the word shloggered instead of drunk. (Ex: I got so shloggered Thursday night, I pissed in Sean's bed (sorry Sean).)*
5. Get rid of all people who think I am wrong.
6. Put me in power.
7. Free beer for everyone.
8. Make prostitution a class in school.
9. Be my friend.
10. Hook me up with all of your hot female friends (or just one of them. Yeah, one would be great. As long as she had a good breasts, I mean personality. Yeah, nice, perky personalities are good. And soft.)
11. End of list.

So most of the things on that list won't get rid of bullshit, but after number 7 happens, who really cares? And plus, Oprah is the number one cause of bullshit in America, according to the International Bullshit Survey Committee based in Guatemala. So once we get rid of her, we on the home stretch. Then we get rid of the politicians and their political bullcrap (thought I would change it up a little bit), and the world would be completely free of bullshit. Life would then be great and I could hook up with beautiful women all the time. But until that time, I will probably be single, hint hint, so yeah, lets get rid of bullshit. Laters.

*This really has nothing to do with bullshit, but it would be cool if it happened.